Once upon a time, not too far from here, live a man called, um, Dan. Dan was built like a brick shithouse, and had a willy that stretched for miles. Anyway, Dan bought a melon about three weeks ago, assuming it would be ripe within the next week. Little did he know, that he had purchased the most stubborn melon known to man, the Stubbelon!

Every morning Dan would walk over to his kitchen counter where the melon sat patiently waiting. He’d prod it, knock on it to see if it’s hollow enough yet, but no change. Every day was the same. The Stubbelon refused to ripen. Then one day, much like today, Dan felt he’d just had enough. He grabbed that fucking melon, threw it on the carving board and cut it into two even(-ish) parts.

It looked like heaven in a melonicious skin cup. He scooped the pips and unnecessary juice into the bin, then stood above it with a sense of pride and power, it was god-like. He grabbed his trusty spoon and struck that fucker with all his might, but to no avail.

The spoon had only managed to penetrate about two centimeters in, and Dan was definitely not used to this! He grabbed another spoon, sharpened it with his trusty knife sharpener handed down to him by his grandpappa, and took that bitch like it was prom. It was magical.

The task was fierce, and it tasted like crap, but Dan didn’t care. It was either him, or the melon. He had no choice.

Dan: 1

Stubbelon: 0

THE END.

Also in the series: ‘Dan and the ungrateful tambourine’, ‘The day after the day before that day’ and ‘Really Dear, it hardly ever happens to me’.