Dear Ronald,

I’m a busy man. A very busy man in fact. When I’m on the road driving to or from meetings, I have to grab bites to eat on the move, especially early in the morning, because you of all people should know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Keep that line in mind.

Last Thursday at around 8:30, after my first meeting of the day, I felt a bit peckish, and what better way to fill that gap than with a Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal. So, I drove to your first window of three, (remember, breakfast is the most important meal of the day), and sat. A long two minutes later I spotted a hand half-assed reaching out from the second window, what I gathered was an attempt to signal me forward, so I did what I was, um, asked. There sat a lovely young lady, with a frown only a mother could love. Being my chirpy morning self I asked the young lady how she was, to which I received another half-assed attempt, this time a smile. Before the eager helper asked me what I’d like, because I could see she was bursting with enthusiasm, I announced my order:

“One Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal please, with an extra Sausage Egg McMuffin,” I said proudly and hungrily.
“To drink?” was the reply.
“A coffee, please.”
“How many sugar?”
“Three please.”
“::insert amount to be paid here::”
“Thank you very much,” said I, and paid the lady with a smile.

I continued my journey on to the next window, received my meal, and pulled away. Opening my bag to check that my order was correct, I left the premises and was on my merry way. Now, I obviously didn’t get the memo/email/subliminal advertising about the new and improved way you prepare your McMuffins, because I was quite shocked to find my first McMuffin blackened. A steak, I thought, could be blackened, but a McMuffin? This is revolutionary! What’ll they think of next? So, after picking off chunks of what I could only imagine to be charcoal bits after you dropped them into an open flamed dustbin or something, I ate the remainder of my McBlackened McMuffin. For a bit of a change I thought I’d head on to my hashbrown. Upon picking up said hashbrown, my hand started to lose grip, as all the oil from the hashbrown had already started to soak through the fancy paper pocket it was housed in. As I was very very hungry, (remember about breakfast being very important), I shoved that oil-soaked rag into my mouth, and it slid down my throat after about two solid chews.

I then decided, nay, needed to wash my throat, and the coffee I received with my meal would do just that. However, when your friendly attendant asked me how many sugars I’d like, I didn’t realise that she must have only been doing a survey on sugar consumption in the Greater Gauteng area, because there were no sugars in my bag. Then I thought that she probably used her initiative and put the sugars in already. That thought too, was shattered. I took a sip from my coffee, and then spat the sugarless concoction all over my dashboard. To top it all off, I was never issued with napkins, so I had to wait until I reached my next destination in order to clean up.

Now, Ronald, do you think that my most important meal of the day was a pleasant experience? If you answered yes, you’re a dick. The only saving grace, and the reason my day turned out a whole lot better, was the fact that I got to see my friend Don get his tattoo finished. (I’ll send you pictures once it’s healed, you’ll love it!)

In conclusion, you ruined my morning. I hate you. See you soon.

Love, hugs and smooches,
Dan

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