Thicker sliced bread. I’ll explain.

Just to set the scene: Every morning after gym I devour a can of tuna, 3 boiled eggs and a slice of toast. I buy Albany ‘Best of both’, just to kid myself into believing it is in fact healthier than white bread. Let me live in this delusion. Thanks.

This morning, while cutting my toast into fingers to dip into the soft boiled eggs (yes, I still do that) I noticed that the slice was thicker than usual. I don’t know how I came to that, maybe I have a toast-thickness gift. Anyway, so I have a look at the bag of bread and realise that all the slices are in fact thicker than normal, which leads me to one observation: Sneaky Albanians.

Albany are smart. Here’s why:

- You buy a loaf of bread on size, not slices

- It takes 2 slices to make a sandwich

- Fewer slices in a bag means fewer sandwiches

- You buy more bread to make more sandwiches

Simple.

It reminds me of the story of the cleaning lady at a toothpaste company who suggested to make the hole bigger in order for consumers to use more, which means sell more. Dentists prescribe using a pea-sized amount, but we all know, because the adverts show us, that a line across the brush is where it’s at.

So this all makes me wonder if any other brands, particularly food, are using techniques like this in these hard times. Wouldn’t be surprised. Sneaky fuckers.

John Vlismas is at it again.

From the press release sent to the handsome young devils at Jo’blog:

John Vlismas’ new one-man show promises a twist like never before. Vlismas says that the show will be 70 mins of dark observation, outrageous opinion and thought-provoking belly laughter – all without the use of his signature foul language.

“I was challenged by someone that I couldn’t be funny without swearing. Obviously, I told him to *&(^& himself while his mother &*^% $&% the *^&^ of a sailor with her &^%%^ while the dockyard dog (*&^ his )(*&). But then I thought about it. How hard could it be to make a show just as challenging, just as dangerous and just as funny as I always want them to be without using all my favourite words? If Julius Malema can get where he is, and George Bush can score two terms, and Steve Hofmeyer can survive a suicide bombing by his own colon, why can’t I be “black and clean?”

For fans of the filth, Vlismas vows that they won’t even realise that it’s missing.

Be sure to book for this award-winning maniac’s new show, as Vlismas has asked management to keep the venues small and intimate, like his beloved Comedy Underground, the spiritual home of dark comedy in SA.

Awesome. We’re looking forward to this, as always.

Recently I fulfilled one of (one of, I have many) life-long dreams to get on stage and do stand-up comedy. Turns out I’m not too shit at it, have done a couple more gigs since, and plan to do plenty more. Good times.

Here’s my latest vid, performed at Cool Runnings in Melville on 1 March 2009.

Check out my previous gigs and some other fun stuff on my YouTube channel here. Rad.