I’m not a fussy guy (okay, that’s a lie), but when I’m sitting in your restaurant (Maestro on Malibongwe, that means you), and I order a decaf coffee, it’s not a figure of speech – IT MEANS I WANT A FUCKING DECAF.

If you don’t have it, just tell me.

I was up wide awake at 2am plotting all the miserable things I wanted to do to you. You’re lucky I’m feeling more rational, if not a little tired, today.

Still, next time I come there I’m gonna poke you in the eye…!