With about 5 weeks left to the day I get married, I have finally realised that the fun and excitement of planning a wedding gets less and less fun and exciting. It’s true.

Everyone said it would be one of the best things you could do. I believed. Shame on them.

They said the joy of friends, family and suppliers all working together for your special day would be heartwarming. I believed again. Shame on me.

I had been enjoying it, mostly. Really. But as we’ve rolled down into the depths of the beast, getting closer to the day and further into the plans with all parties concerned, a few demons emerged. I’ve categorised these little satan spawns into what I’ve called:

1. Politics

2. Personal feelings

3. Penetration from the rear

My mission is simple: To assist any couple thinking about getting married, by giving them a heads-up as to what to expect on every, single day leading up to the “big day”.

Let’s go into a little detail on each, shall we?

1. Politics

Your family and friends, on both sides, are not sane enough to understand that certain decisions are made with every best intention at heart. The mere mention of a wedding causes a flurry of emotions unknown to mankind, eradicating rational thought. Like when Justin Bieber steps on stage (he’s so dreamy). Also, don’t think that anyone will put your decisions and feelings for your special day ahead of theirs. It’s every man (or woman) for himself (or herself) and they will tell you all about it, even though your event could very easily happen without them. Because it is, after all, about you. No?

2. Personal feelings

This can typically be something attached to Politics (whether a cause of effect), or just an issue on it’s own (it’s always so difficult to tell, keep an eye out). Here you will find yourself, on more than one occasion, saying “But how will he (or she) feel if we did that?” – I say with all authority: Shake that feeling away at that very second and never look back! Consider that phrase a swearword in your home and do what you please. Stand your ground, be steadfast, stick to your guns and stay unemotional. If Kristin Stewart can do it, surely you can? It is, after all, about you. No?

3. Penetration from the rear

This, unfortunately, is not as pleasant as you may think. Penetration from the rear signifies the big, fat shafting you get from all suppliers knowing “it’s for your wedding, which is a once-in-a-lifetime event!”, and they get away with it. Justifying exorbitant costs for things “just because it’s your wedding” is like justifying getting hit in the head with a frying pan, repeatedly, because Daffy Duck gets away with it. To this I say shoo that nasty little “spending troll” off your shoulder and don’t pay for more than you think it’s worth. It is, after all, about you. No?

The wedding planning process is totally all about you. You need to deal with the politics. You need to be mindful of others’ personal feelings. And you will, without a shadow of a doubt, be penetrated from the rear. Repeatedly.

How to avoid the 3 P’s: Elope. Vegas and Bora Bora are lovely this time of year.

If you do choose to plan a wedding: Know that, in the end, the day will be phenomenal, everyone will have fun, all feelings and inhibitions will be left at the door and a fat party will be had by all. The most important part, for me, is actually the “getting married” part. The extra stuff, really, is just fluff. So if you’re particularly looking forward to that, like I am, you can deal with the 3 P’s.

I do.