This concept seems so simple, yet not many people get it. Let me explain:

Every person has a different theory as to why they participate in social media. Some to learn from others, some hoping to teach others, most to be the first person to share something before everybody else does, etc. The one thing is, though, that we don’t really understand each other’s ways of doing things, so we just go about treating everybody like they’re at the other end of our game, without realising that we’re also on the other end of theirs. And if you’re not acting appropriately on the other side of someone else’s game, the game isn’t really successful.

Another of these ‘ways to media socially’ are the people who feel that every single part of their lives should be shared with the world. It’s no secret that I want to famous, so when I’m out doing things like comedy or MC’ing or attending rad shit, I wanna tell people. Hell, I’ve even shared about my morning bowel movements once or twice. But when it comes to the serious stuff, the really personal business (yes, bowel movements are personal, but they’re a daily occurrence and they’re funny) then that sort of thing shouldn’t be shared online.

This kind of thing needs to be shared with friends, loved ones, people who take a keen interest in your life and would be there for you when you need it the most, not the 1000ish friends you have on Facebook or your hundreds of followers on Twitter. Yes, some of them may care, but do you really need to share it all?

These are two examples lifted off Lamebook, but I’ve seen these kinds of status updates in both my Facebook and Twitter feeds by people that I know personally. I understand that sometimes you need an outlet, a place to vent and share your frustrations, but before posting this stuff, always consider what you would have done before the boom of social media. Would you have taken out a newspaper front page headline? No. You would have picked up the phone, or met up with a mate and spoken about it, live, in person. Every ounce of me wants to reply saying it’s not cool, but every time I let it slide. I understand that I’m on the other end of your game and you expect me to just understand. Well no more.

If you want to post personal things online which clearly should be dealt with offline, I’ll let you know, for free, just ‘cos I’m a nice guy like that. You have to learn somehow. And if you think your mates are doing the same, let them know, it’ll make for a much better online social experience. Although, it may affect the gems that hit Lamebook. Ok, use your discretion. Awesome.

Thicker sliced bread. I’ll explain.

Just to set the scene: Every morning after gym I devour a can of tuna, 3 boiled eggs and a slice of toast. I buy Albany ‘Best of both’, just to kid myself into believing it is in fact healthier than white bread. Let me live in this delusion. Thanks.

This morning, while cutting my toast into fingers to dip into the soft boiled eggs (yes, I still do that) I noticed that the slice was thicker than usual. I don’t know how I came to that, maybe I have a toast-thickness gift. Anyway, so I have a look at the bag of bread and realise that all the slices are in fact thicker than normal, which leads me to one observation: Sneaky Albanians.

Albany are smart. Here’s why:

- You buy a loaf of bread on size, not slices

- It takes 2 slices to make a sandwich

- Fewer slices in a bag means fewer sandwiches

- You buy more bread to make more sandwiches

Simple.

It reminds me of the story of the cleaning lady at a toothpaste company who suggested to make the hole bigger in order for consumers to use more, which means sell more. Dentists prescribe using a pea-sized amount, but we all know, because the adverts show us, that a line across the brush is where it’s at.

So this all makes me wonder if any other brands, particularly food, are using techniques like this in these hard times. Wouldn’t be surprised. Sneaky fuckers.

Right, so, I’ve never been the biggest lover of rainy days. People always think I’m crazy, saying things like “But you can snuggle up on the couch with some popcorn and a movie” or “It’s the best weather to have sex”.

Now, I totally understand those points.

But…

When last have you snuggled up to a movie when it’s raining? How often do you shag when it’s raining? These things are ONLY possible on the weekend, and if you don’t have other things to sort out on the weekend you must have a pretty easy (read: boring) life. I always have things to do on the weekend. Shopping. Socialising. Gym. Work. The occasional extreme sport. I don’t have time to do nothing, which is my fault, perhaps, but this is what I choose. Apart from helping things grow, the rain sucks. Why?

1. People drive terribly…

2. …causing more accidents

3. It erodes the road I live in

4. It messes with my hair

5. It hides the sun

6. It makes everything wet and slippery

7. Thousands of people have to wash their cars the following day

8. It makes dogs smelly

9. You can’t go for a walk in the park, or on the beach

10. It makes emo kids happy. Which defeats the point of being emo.

There are probably more reasons, but at this point I think these will suffice. Go away rain, I want hot sun and plenty of it. Ta.

The ever-growing comments on my Free Advertising post from 2006 (702 comments to date, with only the 1st one being an actual comment to my post, thanks Peas) has generated some beauties, some real classics in terms of how people advertise. Every now and again, out of sheer curiosity, I’ll follow a URL to see if what each commentator posts is truly what you’ll get. Here is the latest:

Hi there we Specialise in web hosting and design
Websites From R99 A month.
R2250 for 5 page website design
R1250 for 3 page website design
R500 for 1 page website design
Monthly hosting R99 on any website
We also Specialize in Printing , signage, buisness cards , flyers , badges our current specials are:
500 full colour gloss business cards @349
5000 full colour flyers A5 gloss @1450
Badges R30 each
Magnet car signage A3 @ R190
Please contact us regarding any of these offers on
cell:0734569788
Best Regards
Riche’

Right. I’m gonna give you my thoughts before I actually give you the link. So where to begin? Ok:

As the site loads, an untreated, untrained voice welcomes you to his site (his name is not Riche’). The voice then proceeds to read, yes, read the text on the front page to you, just in case you didn’t like the sound of your own voice reading it to yourself in your head.

My best though is when he stumbles his words. Classic. No ‘Oh shit I buggered it up let’s re-record’, they’ll just use as is, because, who really cares, right? It’s only a website, and we sell website solutions, who will really judge us? I mean, really!

During two of the stumbles, however, and this really blows my mind, he realises that there’s a word missing from the text on the page, so he pauses, figures it out, and adds in the correct word. Apart from the re-record possibility mentioned earlier, what really worries me is that they haven’t added the words onto the page after realising that they’re missing. Because, who really needs those words to make the sentences correct? People will figure it out, c’mon!

The cherry on top, and yes, I waited for it, is that the voice is repeated. Over. And over. And over again. I just don’t understand.

Also:

- The Our Services page reads Our Serviecs.

- How we work is riddled with spelling errors.

- Recent designs doesn’t have links on the thumbnails.

- About us is exactly the same, barring two spelling corrections, as How we work.

- Contact us produces a ‘404 not found’ error.

- Their 3 packages (Starter, Premium and Business) have a ‘click to order’ button below, but all 3 go to the same email addy, with no defining subject lines, not making it as easy as possible for the consumer to order what he wants, so he has to fill it in himself. Now, more than ever, you need to make it super-crazy easy for someone to give you their money. And it’s not a difficult thing to do, it’s a tiny bit of code, which even I could do, and that’s saying a lot!

The whole site is a bit of a ‘mare really.

So maybe I’m being horrible. I know there are plenty of sites out there which are just as horrid as this one, but I still can’t get over this one little fact:

If you are selling something, no matter what it may be, you need to be absolutely sure that you, yourself, portray the ultimate in what it is you do.

How can you expect people to trust you to deliver on a professional, effective product if what you have created for yourself is far from up to scratch?

If you don’t look after yourself, why should I believe you’d look after me?

I’ll never get it.

Oh, link here.

The problem with the iPhone is the word following the i. You see the iPhone promises to be so much more than just a phone. It’d an iPod, a calender, an email device and much more.

Here’s where this becomes a problem.

Last week I bought an official iPhone, it was faulty out of the box (constantly displaying ‘no service’ messages). We took it to Vodacare and they admitted that the problem was common and that they would replace the phone. However, they said that it would take a week as they want to send my phone in to their workshop.

That’s the first WTF?!

This is no longer my problem, a common fault, on a brand new phone, replace it and deal with your issues later. This is also in violation of Apple’s warranty.

However nice guys that we are, we said that would be fine, provided we get a suitable loan unit. They said that the best that they could do was a low-end call only handheld.

That’s the second WTF?!

When they sold me an iPhone, they sold me a device that manages many aspects of my life. As people that deal with me a lot know, phone calls probably account for 10% of my usage, the balance being email, IM, iPod, PDA, and, ummm, twitter. This is what they need to replace.

The game has changed, phone’s are so much more than phones. The networks that sell these devices need to wake up and stay with the times….

…and I want a new, err, phone…!

After the debacle of trying to get the guys at CIDA Campus to the Olympics, Sam and I ended up taking the opportunity and headed off to Beijing.

I’ll start by saying that the whole experience overall was phenomenal. We were treated like gold, spoiled in every way possible and won’t forget it. Ever. Thanks to Visa for making it such a rad experience.

But, the reason for this post, however, is to explain what happened just 30 minutes into our flight from Johannesburg to Singapore (our connecting flight to Beijing).

Once the seatbelt signs had been switched off, Sam reclined her chair (as you do) to get comfy and read her book. Not long after that, the guy sitting behind her started to kick the back of her chair. She turned to him with that ‘Please stop kicking the chair’ look, and he stopped, for a minute. Then he started kicking it harder, so much so that it started to annoy me in the next chair. After a monster kick Sam turns around and says ‘Why are you kicking my chair?’ And this is how the convo went:

Guy: I have nowhere to put my legs.

Sam: So just ask me to put my seat up a little. Don’t be so rude.

Guy: Well, there’s no space for my legs.

Sam lifts her seat.

Five minutes later…

Guy (to me): Sorry, please can you lift your seat? My wife has no space for her legs.

Me: Sure, no problem. What you could try do is cross your legs so that they fit snug underneath the chair in front of you. That’s what I do.

Wife: Well I can’t because I get clots in legs, so just have a bit of consideration and leave it alone okay?

Me: Well, consideration works both ways. If I want to have my seat…

Guy (interrupts me): Hey just listen here…

Wife (interrupts him, pointing her finger at me): I’m twice your age so just shut up!

Me (my voice raised): Hey lady, don’t you ever speak to anyone like that ever again, who the hell do…

Guy (interrupts me): Listen my friend don’t speak to my wife like that.

Me (still raised voice): Well she shouldn’t speak to people she doesn’t know like that!

They both wave me off. Meanwhile, Sam has left to find a stewardess to find us other seats. I turn around to speak to them again.

Me: Listen, we have to spend another ten hours on this plane together, why don’t we all just calm down and everyone can be happy.

Guy: Ja fine.

Sam gets back with a stewardess. Relays the saga a little louder than needed, stewardess whispers she’ll get us to another area of the plane.

The end result of the argument: We got seats right in front of the plane, with plenty of leg room. Awesome.

Now, although the new seats were much better than our originals, the journey there was not much fun. I hate fighting with people, especially people I don’t know, and especially over something as juvenile as kicking the back of a seat.

What we later realised is that this couple was part of a bigger group. They were with the guy who mocked the oriental stewardess when she asked him, in broken English, where his seat is so she could help him get there. They were with the other guys who walked around the plane, when most people were sleeping, finding their friends and talking too loud. They were also with the guy who, when was told he can’t have another whiskey and soda (his speech and eyes told me he’d had his fair share) because breakfast was about to be served, told the stewardess that she’s not his mother, and she should get him another drink.

So after realising they were all part of a group, Sam and I set out trying to find out who they were with. After hearing the company name a few times in drunken conversation, I confirmed it when we landed.

Me: So are you guys on a business trip together?

Guy (senior-looking, and very sober): Ja I’m taking my guys to the Olympics.

Me: Just fun or incentive?

Guy: These are the top sales guys at Discovery.

What? Top sales? Sales where you actually speak to someone, make them believe your product is worth the money and get them to sign up?

Ok. So none of these guys actually sold me anything, but their behaviour was so shocking that I’m reconsidering my account. And these are the top guys? I’m horrified.

My overall learnings from the whole event:

1. People who kick chairs obviously don’t fly much.

2. Don’t offer people advice while flying. They feel bad that they know less than you and then start an argument.

3. People who kick chairs and start arguments are of significant importance, because if they were someone special or senior, they would have handled the situation with a lot more discipline and common sense.

4. When someone tells you they’re twice your age, and then tells you to ’shut up’, just remember physical age is very different to mental age. Only a six-year-old tells you to ’shut up’ when having an argument.

5. There are hundreds of other people sitting on the same plane with exactly the same leg room. If they can do it, so can you. If it’s that terrible, or you clot, fly business class next time, cheapo.

6. People that drink all night on an aeroplane and are extremely rude to stewardesses, are arseholes.

7. Discovery’s top sales team has a bunch of bad apples. I think they need to re-look who they’re paying to kill their brand with their rudeness.

8. No matter what you do, where you are, people will write about you if you do something silly.

* Update: Lee (the senior guy) phoned and said he felt really bad about what happened. He had no idea that it occurred until someone referred him to this post. Lee, thanks very much, I wasn’t looking for an apology, just to let everyone know what can happen on trips and be mindful in the future, but it’s really nice to know that some people still care. You rock.

* Update 2: The response from Discovery has been outstanding. Feedback after speaking to their guys, addressing something like this with the utmost importance. Again, I’m really chuffed that they’ve investigated into it to hopefully keep things like representing your company and brand top of mind when in the public arena.

Well done guys. If this helps your business, and any other business after reading about what can happen, we’re all winners. Group hug!

You owe me a carwash…!

Update: Respect to Piet for responding in the comments below. Even more respect for not bringing it down to my level, I’m such an uncouth bastard

To make an incredibly long story short:

Yesterday armed gunmen walked into the office and stole our laptops, cameras and phones. When I wanted to get a SIM replacement, Vodacom’s system was down. Then half of Jo’burg was without power until the evening, so I had to wait ’til this morning to get my own number back.

Fuckers. All of them.

English Lit. majors who couldn’t get their novels published, become journalists. People with a knack for a good story, become bloggers.

In another winning move, Multichoice have decided to add a new music channel to their Dstv bouquet. MTV Base.

” MTV Base will also provide a platform for a variety of African music genres alongside diverse international urban artists including Alicia Keys, Jay-Z, Sean Paul, IAM, Passi and Saian Supa Crew.”

Now, as much as I detest RnB music, I know there are folk who dig it. I also. Don’t. Care. There are other people in this country who have been fighting, and fightin’ hard, to get more alternative music channels in this country for years, but to no avail. Let’s be honest, most other contemporary styles are already nicely covered (Soundcheck, Channel O, MTV – same shit, different channel). If you flick over to MTV Europe, pretty much all you get are RnB vids, back to back with the newest/dodgiest Kylie vid, hip hop and whatever else is spewing from Latin America these days. I am sick to death of the latest rubbish pop trend. I am exhausted of these precast lyrical ideas, and ‘fashionable’ production elements (yes you, Missy). I am tired of all the made-to-order booty videos (believe it or not). And I vomit everytime a new chitzy prince/ss wiggles her way across my screen with minimal clothing, less talent and a song she hasn’t even written. Does anyone actually have anything to say worth hearing anymore? Aaarrgrg!

Breathe… must breathe.

Will they ever listen? Will we ever be able to see our ‘platform’ on the countries only Satellite provider? Do I have to start quoting Slayer lyrics here, people?! In the same way you don’t want to see RnB fans in love, or Hip Hop fans with a gun, you do not want to see angry alternative people. And we’re already pretty mad (see Slipknot and Rage Against the Machine for references)…

I don’t know how eloquently I made my point. Bollocks to you, I have spittle on my keyboard and I’m angry.

In another winning move, Multichoice have decided to add a new music channel to their Dstv bouquet. MTV Base.

” MTV Base will also provide a platform for a variety of African music genres alongside diverse international urban artists including Alicia Keys, Jay-Z, Sean Paul, IAM, Passi and Saian Supa Crew.”

Now, as much as I detest RnB music, I know there are folk who dig it. I also. Don’t. Care. There are other people in this country who have been fighting, and fightin’ hard, to get more alternative music channels in this country for years, but to no avail. Let’s be honest, most other contemporary styles are already nicely covered (Soundcheck, Channel O, MTV – same shit, different channel). If you flick over to MTV Europe, pretty much all you get are RnB vids, back to back with the newest/dodgiest Kylie vid, hip hop and whatever else is spewing from Latin America these days. I am sick to death of the latest rubbish pop trend. I am exhausted of these precast lyrical ideas, and ‘fashionable’ production elements (yes you, Missy). I am tired of all the made-to-order booty videos (believe it or not). And I vomit everytime a new chitzy prince/ss wiggles her way across my screen with minimal clothing, less talent and a song she hasn’t even written. Does anyone actually have anything to say worth hearing anymore? Aaarrgrg!

Breathe… must breathe.

Will they ever listen? Will we ever be able to see our ‘platform’ on the countries only Satellite provider? Do I have to start quoting Slayer lyrics here, people?! In the same way you don’t want to see RnB fans in love, or Hip Hop fans with a gun, you do not want to see angry alternative people. And we’re already pretty mad (see Slipknot and Rage Against the Machine for references)…

I don’t know how eloquently I made my point. Bollocks to you, I have spittle on my keyboard and I’m angry.

In another winning move, Multichoice have decided to add a new music channel to their Dstv bouquet. MTV Base.

” MTV Base will also provide a platform for a variety of African music genres alongside diverse international urban artists including Alicia Keys, Jay-Z, Sean Paul, IAM, Passi and Saian Supa Crew.”

Now, as much as I detest RnB music, I know there are folk who dig it. I also. Don’t. Care. There are other people in this country who have been fighting, and fightin’ hard, to get more alternative music channels in this country for years, but to no avail. Let’s be honest, most other contemporary styles are already nicely covered (Soundcheck, Channel O, MTV – same shit, different channel). If you flick over to MTV Europe, pretty much all you get are RnB vids, back to back with the newest/dodgiest Kylie vid, hip hop and whatever else is spewing from Latin America these days. I am sick to death of the latest rubbish pop trend. I am exhausted of these precast lyrical ideas, and ‘fashionable’ production elements (yes you, Missy). I am tired of all the made-to-order booty videos (believe it or not). And I vomit everytime a new chitzy prince/ss wiggles her way across my screen with minimal clothing, less talent and a song she hasn’t even written. Does anyone actually have anything to say worth hearing anymore? Aaarrgrg!

Breathe… must breathe.

Will they ever listen? Will we ever be able to see our ‘platform’ on the countries only Satellite provider? Do I have to start quoting Slayer lyrics here, people?! In the same way you don’t want to see RnB fans in love, or Hip Hop fans with a gun, you do not want to see angry alternative people. And we’re already pretty mad (see Slipknot and Rage Against the Machine for references)…

I don’t know how eloquently I made my point. Bollocks to you, I have spittle on my keyboard and I’m angry.

In another winning move, Multichoice have decided to add a new music channel to their Dstv bouquet. MTV Base.

” MTV Base will also provide a platform for a variety of African music genres alongside diverse international urban artists including Alicia Keys, Jay-Z, Sean Paul, IAM, Passi and Saian Supa Crew.”

Now, as much as I detest RnB music, I know there are folk who dig it. I also. Don’t. Care. There are other people in this country who have been fighting, and fightin’ hard, to get more alternative music channels in this country for years, but to no avail. Let’s be honest, most other contemporary styles are already nicely covered (Soundcheck, Channel O, MTV – same shit, different channel). If you flick over to MTV Europe, pretty much all you get are RnB vids, back to back with the newest/dodgiest Kylie vid, hip hop and whatever else is spewing from Latin America these days. I am sick to death of the latest rubbish pop trend. I am exhausted of these precast lyrical ideas, and ‘fashionable’ production elements (yes you, Missy). I am tired of all the made-to-order booty videos (believe it or not). And I vomit everytime a new chitzy prince/ss wiggles her way across my screen with minimal clothing, less talent and a song she hasn’t even written. Does anyone actually have anything to say worth hearing anymore? Aaarrgrg!

Breathe… must breathe.

Will they ever listen? Will we ever be able to see our ‘platform’ on the countries only Satellite provider? Do I have to start quoting Slayer lyrics here, people?! In the same way you don’t want to see RnB fans in love, or Hip Hop fans with a gun, you do not want to see angry alternative people. And we’re already pretty mad (see Slipknot and Rage Against the Machine for references)…

I don’t know how eloquently I made my point. Bollocks to you, I have spittle on my keyboard and I’m angry.

Hire the wrong people for the wrong reasons. Plain and simple. Do this and your little empire will fall.

I wrote this a few weeks ago and stand by it 100%, but that’s just security guards. I was chatting to a friend yesterday about her new boss who’s in charge of their whole marketing division. He was hired purely because he’s a man of colour, and now their BEE division are patting themselves on their backs for such good work. I am all for equality, (gender, race, you-name-it), but when people are hired just for the colour of their skin, is that not a bit stupid?

I know all about the South African laws of having certain percentages of black management, and boo-ya to them, I reckon Apartheid was really shit, but the person that is hired needs to know about the business. They wouldn’t hire a white guy that knew nothing, so what makes it better by hiring a black guy that knows just as little? If it needs to be done, do it properly.

My friend was telling me what a really nice guy he is, except he has no idea about their line of business, therefore whenever decisions need to be made, he calls a meeting to get a ‘group opinion’. How unfair is that? So if things blow up in his face, he can hold the whole group responsible for the balls-up. Maybe he doesn’t want to take responsibility, or he’s just way too unsure of what actually needs to be done so he spreads the buck evenly around the whole department so his arse is covered.

Either way it was a very dumb move on the company. People are running around like chickens with their heads cut off because they don’t know what they need to do, and this oke can’t, and therefore won’t, tell them. The right people for the right job. I stick to that. Wake up South Africa. Think, prepare, ‘cos right now, you’re being stupid.

Some people are just little bastards.

My brother is an actor and studied Drama at Pretoria Tech for two years. At the beginning of his third year he was offered what was, at the time, an opportunity of a lifetime. It was for a show that was all about ‘the making of a boy band’, and they were hoping for it to spark a big interest and for that boy band to actually become a boy band.

In doing this show he would had to have missed the first three weeks of his third year of studies. We approached his lecturers and they said “No, because he’d miss too much work, and that’s final,” so he packed his bag, told them to stuff themselves and went ahead and did the show, then another and so it went until he moved to the UK, toured with Grease for a year and is still doing bloody well.

So the other day, after hearing of how successful he’d become, my mother receives a letter from Pretoria Tech stating that they’re offering him an honorary diploma for his good work in the industry, and he needs to come to the graduation to collect it.

Whatever! All they want is brag rights to another one of ‘their students’ making it big. Why would anyone want themselves on a wall next to a framed photo of Steve Hofmeyer? So he said ‘no’, and good for him.

This is one of those days…!

An English lesson, brought to you by Don.

al-leged: adj

Represented as existing or as being as described but not so proved; supposed.

A bad example:

Once again, news reporters and writers have got it wrong. Sorry, not alleged, or supposed, she did it, there were witnesses.

Don: 2, Media punks: 0.

I could be a surgeon. My patients would love me, but I don’t think they’d live long enough to send me Christmas cards.

I could be the captain of a space shuttle. I’d look great in one of those big white suits, but I don’t think my crew would live long enough to send me Christmas cards.

The security guard at my meeting today is absolutely no good at being a security guard. I spent fifteen minutes waiting in my car while he searched for my name, registration and shoe size in the big file on his table, all between the eighteen times I spelled my first name, last name, both names together and explaining what my breakfast comprised of.

When hiring for positions where someone needs to actually talk to people, don’t you think they should be able to talk to people? You don’t need a PhD to become a security guard, but you do however need to be able to communicate, and communicate well, with people entering your building.

On my way to the entrance, thinking about posting my little rant, I told the lady at the counter that I was here to meet <enter client’s name here>, and she said ‘Are you coming to work here?’

I’m definitely not getting Christmas cards from either of them.

Don and I miss you.

Lazy shits…!