On Friday, two South African twitterers, Nash and GrahamRobert, were having a conversation about South African celebrities, which resulted in Nash basically saying that there is no such thing as a South African celeb, by way of tweeting this:

Now, my theory is that Nash included GrahamRobert in the tweet because he was part of the original conversation, but delivered it out of the conversation because it was a funny comment and he wanted all of his followers to read it, not just the ones who follow both of them. Makes sense. It was a nice gesture to include Graham. Nice, but not necessarily obligatory.

Then Cape Town’s favourite son, Shaun Oakes, saw Nash’s tweet, thought it was worthy of a retweet, and did so.

You may notice now, though, that Shaun removed Graham’s twitter handle from the tweet, as he felt Graham was included by association, but he really didn’t have any authority over it. It was Nash’s statement, so he should get the recognition. Only fair, right?

Well, Graham didn’t think so, and replied to Shaun with this tweet:

“meant” to be in the RT? Really? Did you have your name included in the credits when you watched Avatar as well? No. You were part of it. You enjoyed it. But you’re not owed anything for it.

Unfortunately for Shaun, the rapping on the knuckles made him feel bad, and he sent the tweet again, this time including Graham.

Now, if Shaun had included him in the first place, it would have again, just like Nash’s tweet, been a nice gesture to show that he was a part of the conversation. That’s fair, and no-one would have an issue with that.

What I think is very unfair, however, is Graham telling Shaun that he should be included in something that he really had no ownership of in the first place, just for one more mention on Twitter. To his credit, he did say thanks.

But in the end, dude, it’s Twitter, not the Academy Awards. If you have to ask people to include you in retweets, you’re not really doing well to begin with. But more importantly, no-one really cares.

The Bookmarks are an opportunity for agencies, publishers, teams and individuals, working in the digital space, to showcase their work and appreciate and recognise their peers for phenomenal work done in the industry. The organising team, particularly Nikki Cockcroft and Rob Stokes, asked me to MC the event. It was an honour to be asked to be included in the event and I immediately accepted. It was an astounding success overall, their hard work really paid off. Well done. And well done to all the winners.

So why so glum, Don? Well, I’m glad you asked.

I could not believe the lack of respect for each other in the industry. The crowd couldn’t keep quiet, so the rest, who were paying attention, were struggling to hear who won which award. It was pathetic.

When I walked on stage and started the gig, there was still a murmur through the crowd as they were completing drinks orders at the bar and finding their spots for the remainder of the awards ceremony. As a professional MC I understand this dynamic, so I made small talk until it quietened down. Or at least, until it should have quietened down. It didn’t.

Now, I’ve been doing this for years, so when people don’t want to pay attention to the host or MC, it more than likely means they’re really not in the mood for it (or they don’t like his/her style of humour), they want you to get on with the show. I have no issues with this at all, you’re there for the awards, not me, it’s very valid. I’m paid to keep you entertained, and entertain I will, so I introduced the awards. Thing is, though, the crowd still kept making a noise through the entire awards ceremony. I had to constantly reprimand the crowd and ask them to keep quiet, and have some manners and respect for the winners, but they still just didn’t give a fuck.

Long story short: A team of people, through their own time and capacity, spent at least 9 months working hard to make last night a reality, and the crowd couldn’t have cared less. They paid their R400 for their tickets, they drank their free (mostly) drinks, and felt an entitlement to do whatever they wanted to. Reality check: You can’t. It’s an event for everyone, not just for you. So why would you act so badly and not respect your peers in your own industry?

I’ll tell you why: ‘Cos you’re a rude fucktard.

My car is comfortable, I like to blare my music while I’m on the road and use my drumstick pencils on the steering wheel, while people in front, behind or beside me watch in confusion. It’s fun for me.

Last Thursday, however, I decided to abandon my exciting drive to OR Tambo Airport and jump on the much talked about Gautrain from the Sandton station. Every person I’ve spoken to beforehand has said their experience was phenomenal and world-class. In my unprofessional opinion, I think they were all on crack-cocaine.

I parked my car in the parking lot. Easy enough. Walked downstairs and saw two queues facing a wall: One to a window, the other in a zig-zag for the next available automated machine. I joined the zig-zag and eventually found myself standing in front of a big touch-screen with a few slots for cards underneath it. At first glance it seemed like there was way too much going on for such a simple transaction, but I found the ‘Pay by card’ option and went through the process. As my phone beeped with the SMS from the bank to say the money had been taken from my account, and as I eagerly awaited my brand-spanking-new Gautrain card, the touch screen beamed “TRANSACTION FAILED”, and I received nothing. Then the text on the screen changed to “MAINTENANCE IN PROGRESS” and a card slot was pulled from inside the machine to reveal the other side. I called the (out of uniform) helper-lady who was hanging around and asked her to please explain to me why the fuck someone had pulled the card slot thingy from the box while I was busy with a transaction, and she shouted at someone through the hole. Awesome.

So now I’m standing between an automated machine and the teller window, waiting for a card to pop out somewhere. Either one would do, I’m really not fussy.

Nothing.

I was then told to stand in front of the people in the line for the teller and explain my problem. Now, if I was in that line, and some dude jumped in front of me, I’d be pissed. But, I felt it was no fault of my own, and if anyone was gonna make a scene at this very moment, I’d be that guy. The guy who was (now) behind me asked what happened, to which I replied “They fucked up, so now I need a card or my money back.” The (out of uniform) helper lady gave me a look, so I rephrased it to a very sarcastic “I’m sorry, there was a problem with the machine, and she told me to stand here.” Blame-shift: A beautiful thing.

I asked the lady behind the window to just give me a card with my R510 on it and I’d be on my merry way. She said she couldn’t until I filled out a full-page form with all my details, including my bank details. She also said that the money would be returned to my account, and I’d have to pay another R510 to get the loaded card.

What. The. Fuck?

I was running late, and so were the people who were behind in the line that I’ve just joined (and inconvenienced), so I scribbled, purposefully, all my details and had to do the whole buying-a-card transaction again from scratch. By the time I’d reached B9 (the platform where the train would be) I’d missed the train and had to wait a further 18 minutes for the next to arrive. Cellphone reception is also non-existent down there, so don’t think I could get some calls in before I jumped on the train. Also, no benches or vending machines meant no sitting or eating either. Brilliant.
I can guarantee that if I drove to the airport it would have been faster, but more importantly, I would have drummed on my steering wheel while singing along to some of my favourite new tracks and would’ve been cool, calm and very collected by the time I reached the airport. Very much the opposite to how I did feel when I arrived, when I realised I still had to walk across a large part of the airport to get to domestic departures. If I drove, I would’ve had to walk across the bridge joining parking and the terminal. Easy. I have nothing against walking, but if you’re late, it’s a problem. No-one likes to be running through an airport.

Then, when I got back to Jo’burg and took the train back to the Sandton station, I obviously needed to pay for my parking. Now, other parking payment machines expect you to put the card in first, then you pay. I tried to insert my parking card, and it wouldn’t take. You see, to pay for your parking you have to use the SAME machines that you bought the card from. Which means that before I can do anything, I need to tell the machine that I’m paying for my parking. Can it not figure it out for itself?

What makes this system worse is that people ARRIVING and people LEAVING are using the SAME machines. How does that possibly make sense to anyone? It shouldn’t. And that’s why the Gautrain system, to me, is very much flawed.

So you could say that I should just drive. Well, I will. But what’s more important to me is how people who I like, and respect, had the idea that this obviously flawed system is better than the London Underground. It isn’t. It’s shit. Really. See you on the road.

Text 1 (incorrect)

Text 2 (correct)

Oops! Someone fire someone (or at least give them a good spanking, then send us the video).

Every person has a different theory as to why they participate in social media. Some to learn from others, some hoping to teach others, most to be the first person to share something before everybody else does, etc. The one thing is, though, that we don’t really understand each other’s ways of doing things, so we just go about treating everybody like they’re at the other end of our game, without realising that we’re also on the other end of theirs. And if you’re not acting appropriately on the other side of someone else’s game, the game isn’t really successful.

Another of these ‘ways to media socially’ are the people who feel that every single part of their lives should be shared with the world. It’s no secret that I want to famous, so when I’m out doing things like comedy or MC’ing or attending rad shit, I wanna tell people. Hell, I’ve even shared about my morning bowel movements once or twice. But when it comes to the serious stuff, the really personal business (yes, bowel movements are personal, but they’re a daily occurrence and they’re funny) then that sort of thing shouldn’t be shared online.

This kind of thing needs to be shared with friends, loved ones, people who take a keen interest in your life and would be there for you when you need it the most, not the 1000ish friends you have on Facebook or your hundreds of followers on Twitter. Yes, some of them may care, but do you really need to share it all?

These are two examples lifted off Lamebook, but I’ve seen these kinds of status updates in both my Facebook and Twitter feeds by people that I know personally. I understand that sometimes you need an outlet, a place to vent and share your frustrations, but before posting this stuff, always consider what you would have done before the boom of social media. Would you have taken out a newspaper front page headline? No. You would have picked up the phone, or met up with a mate and spoken about it, live, in person. Every ounce of me wants to reply saying it’s not cool, but every time I let it slide. I understand that I’m on the other end of your game and you expect me to just understand. Well no more.

If you want to post personal things online which clearly should be dealt with offline, I’ll let you know, for free, just ‘cos I’m a nice guy like that. You have to learn somehow. And if you think your mates are doing the same, let them know, it’ll make for a much better online social experience. Although, it may affect the gems that hit Lamebook. Ok, use your discretion. Awesome.

Just to set the scene: Every morning after gym I devour a can of tuna, 3 boiled eggs and a slice of toast. I buy Albany ‘Best of both’, just to kid myself into believing it is in fact healthier than white bread. Let me live in this delusion. Thanks.

This morning, while cutting my toast into fingers to dip into the soft boiled eggs (yes, I still do that) I noticed that the slice was thicker than usual. I don’t know how I came to that, maybe I have a toast-thickness gift. Anyway, so I have a look at the bag of bread and realise that all the slices are in fact thicker than normal, which leads me to one observation: Sneaky Albanians.

Albany are smart. Here’s why:

- You buy a loaf of bread on size, not slices

- It takes 2 slices to make a sandwich

- Fewer slices in a bag means fewer sandwiches

- You buy more bread to make more sandwiches

Simple.

It reminds me of the story of the cleaning lady at a toothpaste company who suggested to make the hole bigger in order for consumers to use more, which means sell more. Dentists prescribe using a pea-sized amount, but we all know, because the adverts show us, that a line across the brush is where it’s at.

So this all makes me wonder if any other brands, particularly food, are using techniques like this in these hard times. Wouldn’t be surprised. Sneaky fuckers.

Now, I totally understand those points.

But…

When last have you snuggled up to a movie when it’s raining? How often do you shag when it’s raining? These things are ONLY possible on the weekend, and if you don’t have other things to sort out on the weekend you must have a pretty easy (read: boring) life. I always have things to do on the weekend. Shopping. Socialising. Gym. Work. The occasional extreme sport. I don’t have time to do nothing, which is my fault, perhaps, but this is what I choose. Apart from helping things grow, the rain sucks. Why?

1. People drive terribly…

2. …causing more accidents

3. It erodes the road I live in

4. It messes with my hair

5. It hides the sun

6. It makes everything wet and slippery

7. Thousands of people have to wash their cars the following day

8. It makes dogs smelly

9. You can’t go for a walk in the park, or on the beach

10. It makes emo kids happy. Which defeats the point of being emo.

There are probably more reasons, but at this point I think these will suffice. Go away rain, I want hot sun and plenty of it. Ta.

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Right. I’m gonna give you my thoughts before I actually give you the link. So where to begin? Ok:

As the site loads, an untreated, untrained voice welcomes you to his site (his name is not Riche’). The voice then proceeds to read, yes, read the text on the front page to you, just in case you didn’t like the sound of your own voice reading it to yourself in your head.

My best though is when he stumbles his words. Classic. No ‘Oh shit I buggered it up let’s re-record’, they’ll just use as is, because, who really cares, right? It’s only a website, and we sell website solutions, who will really judge us? I mean, really!

During two of the stumbles, however, and this really blows my mind, he realises that there’s a word missing from the text on the page, so he pauses, figures it out, and adds in the correct word. Apart from the re-record possibility mentioned earlier, what really worries me is that they haven’t added the words onto the page after realising that they’re missing. Because, who really needs those words to make the sentences correct? People will figure it out, c’mon!

The cherry on top, and yes, I waited for it, is that the voice is repeated. Over. And over. And over again. I just don’t understand.

Also:

- The Our Services page reads Our Serviecs.

- How we work is riddled with spelling errors.

- Recent designs doesn’t have links on the thumbnails.

- About us is exactly the same, barring two spelling corrections, as How we work.

- Contact us produces a ‘404 not found’ error.

- Their 3 packages (Starter, Premium and Business) have a ‘click to order’ button below, but all 3 go to the same email addy, with no defining subject lines, not making it as easy as possible for the consumer to order what he wants, so he has to fill it in himself. Now, more than ever, you need to make it super-crazy easy for someone to give you their money. And it’s not a difficult thing to do, it’s a tiny bit of code, which even I could do, and that’s saying a lot!

The whole site is a bit of a ‘mare really.

So maybe I’m being horrible. I know there are plenty of sites out there which are just as horrid as this one, but I still can’t get over this one little fact:

If you are selling something, no matter what it may be, you need to be absolutely sure that you, yourself, portray the ultimate in what it is you do.

How can you expect people to trust you to deliver on a professional, effective product if what you have created for yourself is far from up to scratch?

If you don’t look after yourself, why should I believe you’d look after me?

I’ll never get it.

Oh, link here.

Here’s where this becomes a problem.

Last week I bought an official iPhone, it was faulty out of the box (constantly displaying ‘no service’ messages). We took it to Vodacare and they admitted that the problem was common and that they would replace the phone. However, they said that it would take a week as they want to send my phone in to their workshop.

That’s the first WTF?!

This is no longer my problem, a common fault, on a brand new phone, replace it and deal with your issues later. This is also in violation of Apple’s warranty.

However nice guys that we are, we said that would be fine, provided we get a suitable loan unit. They said that the best that they could do was a low-end call only handheld.

That’s the second WTF?!

When they sold me an iPhone, they sold me a device that manages many aspects of my life. As people that deal with me a lot know, phone calls probably account for 10% of my usage, the balance being email, IM, iPod, PDA, and, ummm, twitter. This is what they need to replace.

The game has changed, phone’s are so much more than phones. The networks that sell these devices need to wake up and stay with the times….

…and I want a new, err, phone…!

I’ll start by saying that the whole experience overall was phenomenal. We were treated like gold, spoiled in every way possible and won’t forget it. Ever. Thanks to Visa for making it such a rad experience.

But, the reason for this post, however, is to explain what happened just 30 minutes into our flight from Johannesburg to Singapore (our connecting flight to Beijing).

Once the seatbelt signs had been switched off, Sam reclined her chair (as you do) to get comfy and read her book. Not long after that, the guy sitting behind her started to kick the back of her chair. She turned to him with that ‘Please stop kicking the chair’ look, and he stopped, for a minute. Then he started kicking it harder, so much so that it started to annoy me in the next chair. After a monster kick Sam turns around and says ‘Why are you kicking my chair?’ And this is how the convo went:

Guy: I have nowhere to put my legs.

Sam: So just ask me to put my seat up a little. Don’t be so rude.

Guy: Well, there’s no space for my legs.

Sam lifts her seat.

Five minutes later…

Guy (to me): Sorry, please can you lift your seat? My wife has no space for her legs.

Me: Sure, no problem. What you could try do is cross your legs so that they fit snug underneath the chair in front of you. That’s what I do.

Wife: Well I can’t because I get clots in legs, so just have a bit of consideration and leave it alone okay?

Me: Well, consideration works both ways. If I want to have my seat…

Guy (interrupts me): Hey just listen here…

Wife (interrupts him, pointing her finger at me): I’m twice your age so just shut up!

Me (my voice raised): Hey lady, don’t you ever speak to anyone like that ever again, who the hell do…

Guy (interrupts me): Listen my friend don’t speak to my wife like that.

Me (still raised voice): Well she shouldn’t speak to people she doesn’t know like that!

They both wave me off. Meanwhile, Sam has left to find a stewardess to find us other seats. I turn around to speak to them again.

Me: Listen, we have to spend another ten hours on this plane together, why don’t we all just calm down and everyone can be happy.

Guy: Ja fine.

Sam gets back with a stewardess. Relays the saga a little louder than needed, stewardess whispers she’ll get us to another area of the plane.

The end result of the argument: We got seats right in front of the plane, with plenty of leg room. Awesome.

Now, although the new seats were much better than our originals, the journey there was not much fun. I hate fighting with people, especially people I don’t know, and especially over something as juvenile as kicking the back of a seat.

What we later realised is that this couple was part of a bigger group. They were with the guy who mocked the oriental stewardess when she asked him, in broken English, where his seat is so she could help him get there. They were with the other guys who walked around the plane, when most people were sleeping, finding their friends and talking too loud. They were also with the guy who, when was told he can’t have another whiskey and soda (his speech and eyes told me he’d had his fair share) because breakfast was about to be served, told the stewardess that she’s not his mother, and she should get him another drink.

So after realising they were all part of a group, Sam and I set out trying to find out who they were with. After hearing the company name a few times in drunken conversation, I confirmed it when we landed.

Me: So are you guys on a business trip together?

Guy (senior-looking, and very sober): Ja I’m taking my guys to the Olympics.

Me: Just fun or incentive?

Guy: These are the top sales guys at Discovery.

What? Top sales? Sales where you actually speak to someone, make them believe your product is worth the money and get them to sign up?

Ok. So none of these guys actually sold me anything, but their behaviour was so shocking that I’m reconsidering my account. And these are the top guys? I’m horrified.

My overall learnings from the whole event:

1. People who kick chairs obviously don’t fly much.

2. Don’t offer people advice while flying. They feel bad that they know less than you and then start an argument.

3. People who kick chairs and start arguments are of significant importance, because if they were someone special or senior, they would have handled the situation with a lot more discipline and common sense.

4. When someone tells you they’re twice your age, and then tells you to ‘shut up’, just remember physical age is very different to mental age. Only a six-year-old tells you to ‘shut up’ when having an argument.

5. There are hundreds of other people sitting on the same plane with exactly the same leg room. If they can do it, so can you. If it’s that terrible, or you clot, fly business class next time, cheapo.

6. People that drink all night on an aeroplane and are extremely rude to stewardesses, are arseholes.

7. Discovery’s top sales team has a bunch of bad apples. I think they need to re-look who they’re paying to kill their brand with their rudeness.

8. No matter what you do, where you are, people will write about you if you do something silly.

* Update: Lee (the senior guy) phoned and said he felt really bad about what happened. He had no idea that it occurred until someone referred him to this post. Lee, thanks very much, I wasn’t looking for an apology, just to let everyone know what can happen on trips and be mindful in the future, but it’s really nice to know that some people still care. You rock.

* Update 2: The response from Discovery has been outstanding. Feedback after speaking to their guys, addressing something like this with the utmost importance. Again, I’m really chuffed that they’ve investigated into it to hopefully keep things like representing your company and brand top of mind when in the public arena.

Well done guys. If this helps your business, and any other business after reading about what can happen, we’re all winners. Group hug!